12 Characteristics of a Feminist Relationship: A Primer for Good Dudes
A note on language:
The behaviors I’m addressing in this writing happen down lines of power, in which the existence of men and people presumed to be men (ie male-assigned people) is treated as more valid, important and legitimate than people assigned female (who may or may not identify as women), along with anyone who is perceived to fall outside the gender binary.
These dynamics have way more to do with unconscious patriarchal conditioning than it does with any personal character flaw of any one particular person. And it’s not to say that all male-assigned people are this way, or that a woman never could be, but just that, when unchecked and unaware, this is how things tend to fall.
In this essay, I use the term male-assigned people instead of the more familiar “men” because many of the privileges (and oppressions, for that matter) of patriarchy have more to do with how the world perceives you than it does how you see yourself. Your internal identity as male often doesn’t have much bearing on the way other people afford you male privilege.
This languaging is nuanced and tricky. I’m not attempting to make any assumptions about anyone’s personal identity or their experience of their gender. I also eschew the term “male-socialized people” because for male-assigned people who rub against the norms of their assigned gender, socialization is often complicated by their own sense of mismatch or confinement.
As a genderqueer person myself, I often feel the insufficiency of the existent vocabulary. This is my attempt to discuss these dynamics in a way that names their gendered origins without sliding into biological essentialism or invisibilizing the experiences of trans people and others who push against the cisgender binary. I’m open to continued conversation about new or new-to-me terms that summarize the meaning I’m making here in a succinct and accurate way.
It’s also worth noting that gender exists in relationship to a number of other factors, not the least of which is race. We are assigned privilege or the lack thereof from gender, skin color, class status, ability, age, and tons of other identities, and the intersections of these identities create a complex web of power. As a white person, I can only write from my own experience of privilege, and I do not presume to know the experiences of anyone of any other racial identity or experience.
12 CHARACTERISTICS OF A FEMINIST RELATIONSHIP
1. Each person is the expert of their own experience.
2. Reality is mutually created.
3. Agreements can always be renegotiated.
4. Shared vulnerability builds intimacy.
5. Needs are clearly articulated; assertiveness is valued.
6. Nurturance happens mutually.
7. Both parties share equal responsibility for the growth of self and relationship.
8. The logistics of the relationship are tended to by both parties.
9. A full range of emotional experience is valid, valued and normalized.
10. Everyone is allowed to fuck up; likewise, no one is expected to be infallible.
11. Accountability is truthful, heartfelt, and self-motivated.
12. The relationship is process-aware, not just outcome oriented.
1. Each person is the expert of their own experience
What is the patriarchal norm?
Under patriarchy, women are presumed to be unreliable narrators of their own lived experience. Women are, at worst, irrational and overly-emotional, and at best, simply non-normative enough that their perspective is suspect.
What does it look like when the norm shows up in relationships?
This shows up as a man not believing a woman when she shares her experiences with him. He questions, belittles and doubts her. Though he may eventually come around to her point of view, it will only be after she persistently attempts to convince him of the truth and validity of her experience. For example, a man arguing back with a woman sharing her experience of sexism in the workplace or catcalling on the street, ie, “I’m sure it wasn’t about gender!” or “He was just trying to give you a compliment.”
What needs to change in order for male-assigned people to do it differently?
This one is really tricky because women tend to fall prey to it just as much as male-assigned people do, making it hard to notice and thus, hard to interrupt. But for the male-assigned people reading this, your work is to default to trusting women. Believe her when she tells you about what she’s experiencing in her life. This doesn’t mean you can never ask a question or have a differing opinion than her, but notice how often that is your immediate response, and see if you can slow down and believe her first. Then ask for more information if you need it.
How do you know that is happening? What is the result of this behavior?
When we believe women, we are able to take their experiences, needs, concerns and values seriously. Women are then free to spend the emotional and intellectual energy they might normally use convincing others of their validity in more satisfying pursuits.
2. Reality is mutually created.
What is the norm?
Patriarchy defaults to a reality created by male-assigned people that benefits and protects men. Men’s perspectives are valued more highly than women’s, and any perspective that calls into question a man’s good intentions is suspect.
What does it look like when the norm shows up in relationships?
This shows up as what I’ve come to term “unconscious patriarchal gaslighting,” which usually happens when a man is being called in, called out, or otherwise being asked to change his behavior. He’s so invested in his own reality (in which he has done no wrong) that he argues that the problem isn’t him or his behavior, but rather the perspective of his partner.
What needs to change in order for you to do it differently?
Be willing to accept that you might be making mistakes. Divorce your sense of self from your behavior. When your partner asks for you to change your behavior, take it seriously. Do not invalidate her perspective.
How do you know that is happening? What is the result of this behavior?
When reality is mutually created, the perspective of both parties is valid. One does not cancel the other out, even if it’s uncomfortable. Reality is informed by the lived experience of everyone in the relationship.
3. Agreements can always be renegotiated.
What is the norm?
This norm has its roots in rape culture, which says that once permission is given, it cannot be revoked. This norm is predicated on male entitlement: to women’s bodies, sexual fulfillment, their own pleasure above all else.
What does it look like when the norm shows up in relationships?
This can show up in abusive and toxic ways around sex and can lead to the kind of casual, all-too-common breaches of consent that happen in relationships. But it also shows up more insidiously as an inability to allow for the evolution of a partner’s needs, desires or capacities. male-assigned people expect that women will be consistent and unchanging, at least as it’s tied to meeting the needs of the male-assigned people in their lives.
What needs to change in order for you to do it differently?
Allow for the women in your world, particularly the ones you’re in intimate relationship with, to change. What was possible for them last year or last week may not be always possible. Check your assumption that women are there at your disposal.
How do you know that is happening? What is the result of this behavior?
When agreements are allowed to shift and change, the relationship becomes built on the real-time realities of the people involved, instead of outdated ideas about who we are and what we do for each other. We are more able to live in the present moment with each other.
4. Shared vulnerability builds intimacy
What is the norm?
Patriarchy is built on the idea that male-assigned people are invulnerable. male-assigned people are never supposed to show any vulnerability, either physical or emotional, and for the most part, this habit becomes ingrained and ends up showing up in relationships.
What does it look like when the norm shows up in relationships?
When women are consistently the more vulnerable party (or the only one!) in a relationship, it creates an inherent imbalance of power. But more than that, it stops real intimacy from being able to happen. When we intentionally or subconsciously withhold our emotions, it drives a wedge into the potential for intimacy.
What needs to change in order for you to do it differently?
Sharing emotionally with your partner requires lots of skills--the ability to recognize your feelings when they’re happening, the mental stability to allow them to flow rather than pushing them away, the vocabulary to articulate to yourself and others what you’re feeling, the courage to share them with another person, and the capacity to sit with your own discomfort of being vulnerable.
How do you know that is happening? What is the result of this behavior?
When we share vulnerably with each other, intimacy is fostered. When you share with another person something personal or emotional, a bond is created. When this sharing happens consistently and mutually over time, we build a deep, equitable intimacy. {{{There are notes from Nate interview on this.}}}
5. Needs are clearly articulated; assertiveness is valued.
What is the norm?
Under patriarchy, women are expected to always be aware of the needs of people around them. They may also be aware of their own needs, but if forced to choose between meeting their own needs or someone else’s, many women would default to caring for others first.
What does it look like when the norm shows up in relationships?
Because of this, many women struggle to ask for what they want or need from their partners. Because women are consistently picking up on the needs of others, male-assigned people have come to expect this behavior from them as well. This often looks like no one asking for their needs to be met, women because they feel guilt or shame about having needs, and male-assigned people because women are meeting their needs without them having to ask.
What needs to change in order for male-assigned people to do it differently?
Notice when your partner does things for you without you having to ask. Thank her both for meeting your needs, and for the emotional labor of noticing. If she does ask for something specific, go out of your way to make sure you understand her need or desire, and then do your damnedest to meet that need. Ask her regularly for what she needs; likewise, affirm her assertiveness when she brings up her needs unprompted by you. Additionally, make it a practice to articulate what you want and need so that she doesn’t have to do the work of figuring it out for you.
How do you know that is happening? What is the result of this behavior?
When both parties are responsible for articulating their own needs, neither person has to do the mental gymnastics required to intuit someone else’s unspoken needs. Then we’re free to get down to the business of meeting each other’s needs well!
6. Nurturance happens mutually.
What is the norm?
Women are expected to be nurturers. This norm runs so deep that we attach it to biology: women are presumed to be naturally predisposed to be sweet, loving, and caring. Conversely, male-assigned people are shamed for any display of this type of nurturance, and again, we attach that shame to biology. It’s just not men’s natural predilection to be nurturing. Men’s caregiving is limited to tangible actions such as providing financially and doing manual labor.
What does it look like when the norm shows up in relationships?
Women do the work of tending to the emotional needs of men, which might include but isn’t limited to asking questions about him and his interests, paying attention to him when he talks, noticing when he’s upset, or caring for him when he’s sick. male-assigned people may also engage in any or all of these behaviors, but women are more expected to.
What needs to change in order for you to do it differently?
Learn about what nurturance is. Notice the ways she is caring for you. Find ways to do more of it in your relationships. Don’t expect that her caregiving is innate. Acknowledge it for the labor that it is.
How do you know that is happening? What is the result of this behavior?
When we presume that everyone is equally capable of being a nurturer, women are freed from the undue burden of having to be the only caretaker. And male-assigned people are allowed to explore their capacity as nurturers, stepping into their full humanity instead of languishing in socially prescribed roles.
7. Both parties share equal responsibility for the growth of self and relationship
What is the norm?
Patriarchy grooms women to be self-aware, nurturing, and emotionally competent. Conversely, it never requires male-assigned people to learn these skills, so most male-assigned people don’t. Some male-assigned people learn them anyway, but even still, they often have less practice applying them because women so often assume or are thrust into the role of doing emotional labor.
What does it look like when the norm shows up in relationships?
Because of their increased capacity for emotional labor, women often end up bottom-lining the emotional development of the relationship. They are the ones who end up noticing, articulating, and working to change when the relationship feels strained, distant or dysfunctional. In a fun twist, women are often penalized for doing this labor; it gets categorized as “nagging”, “being overly sensitive” or “never leaving well-enough alone.”
What needs to change in order for you to do it differently?
Pay attention to the emotional well-being of yourself and your relationship. Lean into the emotional skills you already have, and learn new ones if necessary. Enact them. Don’t wait for your partner to bring up a problem if you can see it too. Take initiative. Don’t assume that it’s her responsibility to notice or care.
How do you know that is happening? What is the result of this behavior?
When both parties care about and are invested in the emotional well-being of the relationship, it becomes that much easier for it to grow and flourish. No one needs to feel resentful or burned-out on holding all the responsibility; no one has to feel picked on or nagged at. The relationship is mutually owned and mutually cared for.
8. The logistics of the relationship are tended to by both parties. (calendars, travel, household chores, childrearing, finances, extended family, etc.
What is the norm?
Patriarchy says that women are naturally inclined towards mothering, which includes the logistical work of running a household or relationship. It also maintains that male-assigned people needn’t concern themselves with this type of work.
What does it look like when the norm shows up in relationships?
This most often shows up as women shouldering the brunt of this type of work, including the mental load of managing the labor. Some male-assigned people may help to execute the work but generally the tasks and duties are still seen as “her work” that he is helping out with.
What needs to change in order for you to do it differently?
Be willing to do household and logistical labor. Change your perspective so that when you do this type of work, you see it as doing an equal share of work that is a mutual responsibility. Recognize that if this work goes undone or is done poorly that there are greater social consequences for your partner than there may be for you.
How do you know that is happening? What is the result of this behavior?
In a feminist relationship, the labor of managing the mundane aspects of the relationship are equally shared, and the responsibility for managing this labor is equally shared as well.
9. A full range of emotional experience is valid, valued and normalized.
What is the norm?
Patriarchy positions male-assigned people as inherently unemotional, and if and when feelings are allowed, anger is generally the only acceptable one. Conversely, women are painted as overly emotional, and women’s feelings are used to discredit them.
What does it look like when the norm shows up in relationships?
When male-assigned people are cut off from their feelings, they may claim not to be bothered by upsetting events. They may show minimal sympathy for their partner’s emotions, belittle her, or doubt the validity of her opinions when she’s upset.
What needs to change in order for you to do it differently?
Let go of the shame of feeling. Learn to get quiet and still in order to tap into feelings that may be just below the surface. When something upsetting happens, allow yourself the time and space to fully process it, not just analytically, but also emotionally. Don’t presume that your partner’s feelings make her irrational.
How do you know that is happening? What is the result of this behavior?
When we’re allowed to have a full range of emotions, no one is penalized for feeling their feelings, neither by their partner nor by their own internalized shaming. Everyone has space and permission to emote freely, and empathetic caregiving happens skillfully.
10. The relationship is process-aware, not just outcome oriented.
What is the norm?
Patriarchy values results, not processes, and we’ve internalized this value. This is corroborated by capitalistic ideals. It doesn’t matter what happens in the game, so long as you win.
What does it look like when the norm shows up in relationships?
In relationships this shows up as rushing through processing conversations, trying to hurry up and solve the “problem” of the relationship, rather than being able to see the conversation itself as a tool for building intimacy and connection. It also shows up sexually, when we’re laser-focused on achieving orgasm rather than enjoying the sensations of being with each other’s bodies.
What needs to change in order for you to do it differently?
Learn to value the process just as much as the outcome. Slow down. Increase your tolerance for emotional discomfort. Give more head.
How do you know that is happening? What is the result of this behavior?
When we slow down and allow processes to naturally unfold, we are able to really see each other as the complex, not-yet-complete beings that we are. Additionally, we become able to enjoy the closeness of being together without expectations of a particular outcome.
11. Everyone is allowed to fuck up. No one is expected to be the scapegoat.
What is the norm?
Men are trained to never show their mistakes; to do so would be to reveal their vulnerability, which is also prohibited (see number 4). Because of this, male-assigned people perceive fewer of their missteps as such, even though in reality male-assigned people and women make mistakes at about equal rates. (The available data is for cis people only, as far as I know, there is no data for trans or non-binary folks). Women are inculturated to see most things as their own fault and tend to apologize for mistakes that weren’t even theirs. Additionally, patriarchy presumes men’s positive (also confirmed by white supremacy) or neutral intent and scrutinizes the intentions of women.
What does it look like when the norm shows up in relationships?
In relationships this often looks like women blaming themselves for anything that goes wrong. It also looks like male-assigned people being unwilling or unable to see the ways they may have messed up. It may also show up as male-assigned people expecting to be given the benefit of the doubt, even if they behaved carelessly.
What needs to change in order for you to do it differently?
Be willing to see yourself as fallible. Actively look for places where you may be being insensitive or careless. Experiment with orienting yourself towards the people around you rather than seeing yourself as the center. Assume the positive intent of your partner when you can; don’t penalize her or take it personally when she doesn’t automatically extend the same to you. When your partner takes the blame for things that aren’t her fault, interrupt that pattern and be willing to own up to what’s yours.
How do you know that is happening? What is the result of this behavior?
When we’re all allowed to make mistakes, both parties become fully integrated into the relationship. No one is expected to be perfect; no one is expected to hold all the responsibility for things when they go wrong. Everyone is allowed to be fallible and imperfect; responsibility for errors is shared.
12. Accountability is truthful, heartfelt, and self-motivated.
What is the norm?
Similar to number 9, patriarchy expects male-assigned people to be infallible so they’re often less well-versed in the art of apologizing simply from lack of practice. Because male-assigned people don’t tend to see as many of their own mistakes, they may lack the awareness to apologize unprompted.
What does it look like when the norm shows up in relationships?
Men give apologies half-heartedly, continue to blame the partner within the apology (“I’m sorry you felt that way”), or may simply neglect to apologize at all. They may also spend time explaining their own behavior or finding solutions for the future rather than taking accountability for the harm they’ve caused.
What needs to change in order for you to do it differently?
Educate yourself on how to give a heartfelt apology. Learn to let go of defensiveness. Untether your sense of self from your behavior. Let go of your need to be perfect. Allow yourself to feel the shame of your own imperfection. And then allow yourself to feel the pain of having harmed your partner. Notice the ways you’ve fucked up. Don’t wait for her to ask for an apology to issue one.
How do you know that is happening? What is the result of this behavior?
When apologies are freely given, everyone feels empowered to make mistakes, validated when they’ve been hurt, and safe to presume the willingness of all parties to rectify and transform the harm. We’re allowed to be harmed without fear of invalidation or careless repetition. We’re allowed to make mistakes without fear of being condemned or discarded.